The Psychological Divide- I am a freak or the sideshow

The psychological divide.

There are reasons for everything we do as human beings. To think we are superior or better than another individual is why most of us fail at ever moving forward. To point the finger at others without truly looking into ourself is why eventually we all breakdown. It is this guilt and lack of our own understanding that makes us blame others. I don’t blame anyone for myself. I love me. Then again I do have flaws. I guess this is my reason I am technically overlooked and usually blamed. I feel hated when all I do is try to love. Then again I don’t even know what love is. Was I ever really loved? By Family? By Friends? By anyone that really spent time with me who didn’t need me for their own selfish ways? The closest thing I have to love I will probably lose. Like me she is flawed from her past. However, I love her for it and understand her ways since we are similar. I have studied psychology my whole life to understand those around me as well as myself. Yet, this love will slowly disappear as things I have said regardless even if they are true makes her defensive and hate me. I guess I can’t ever be good enough for anyone. I am not perfect or ever will claim to be. This I know. This I have been reminded my whole life since I could remember. I am the loser. The guilty. The problem. The hated. Wished I was never born. My self worth is as equal to the deficit of the United States. Trillions in debt. In all actuality its amazing I made it this long from where I started from. No one will understand me. Is it because I am a male? Is it because I am white? Is it because I’m poor? Is it because my real father took off before I could remember? Is it that the father I call “Dad" is not my blood father? Is it because my stepfather murdered a gentleman I lived with at age 11? Is it because my mother chose to do whatever she wanted to including party and drink till she was hospitalized and almost died just last year? I guess that’s what I get as I am now somehow considered "privileged" by the new generation. Just the enemy again. The only thing I was ever given was life to be tortured and a gift to express my feelings. Unfortunately at this point I don’t want life if I can’t create and my gift will only be recognized when I’m dead. I would speak but my language is inappropriate as it falls on deaf ears or offends those who I speak too. As this 3rd month of 2019 comes to an end I wish I could have my voice forever taken from me. So what I say could not seem hurtful as it is never my intentions. Usually my intentions are nothing but for the greater good of humanity. Only animals seem to see that other than 2 friends of mine. I am supposedly connected to 1,000’s of people yet never seem to be anything but lonely. The most comfort I have had is to know at least my wife will maybe someday have the things I have acquired and will share the things I created. Then again who knows maybe it will all just be trashed. Until then I just want to stop believing in people and believe more in myself. Not speak unless spoken to. Never share opinions or my feelings. It is a perspective that no one will get. I am a man and I’m supposed to be strong. Until my last breath here on out I must only convey my thoughts through written words, art and music. As that is the only time people ever really seem to like what I am. The rest of me is not meant to be. I should of not been. I have always known this yet I have always tried to belong. The true reality is I will never belong. So pretending I do is my facade. I am weirdo. I am a pansy. I am a bastard. I am a failure to our society. I am the sideshow. I’ll always be the freak or whatever else that this world has or will eventually label me. Until I pass I now will remain silent except for my arts. It is the only thing in my life that will not discard me.

This illustration was done with Ink and Red Liquid Acrylic. Technically based off of Joseph Merrick the Elephant Man. After seeing the David Lynch movie titled “the Elephant Man” staring John Hurt and Anthony Hopkins when I was around 10-11 this movie as well as the movie “Mask” with Cher, Eric Stoltz and Sam Elliot around the same time period in my adolescence shaped and helped with my own insecurities and misfortunes. It gave me the empowerment to look at things more from an outsider perspective and to give all human beings a benefit of the doubt. We all can be good or bad people. Unfortunately we all deal with some for of persecution. Even the most powerful have insecurities. Most of all just want to be loved. Sometimes it’s as simple as a kiss… I hope you take time to kiss someone today. Sincere Me aka Jeffery Page